Washington,DC - Democrat Yang thinks he would have the power to modify the diet of all Americans. From the Oval Office he thinks that he can control the amount of beef any one individual can consume. Government under the Yang Administration would have the Beef Police and that Police Force will enforce Beef regulations not only at restaurants but at private residents as well.
California begins issuing $1000 fine for each "Tiny Plastic Communion Cup Served"
SACRAMENTO, CA—In a special press conference called Wednesday, the governor of California proudly announced the passing of brand new legislation that will allow the state to begin issuing fines of 1,000 dollars on churches for each little plastic cup served during the Lord’s Supper.The legislation forms a new Communion Enforcement Unit, which will visit churches undercover and fine pastors for every little plastic cup they serve in Communion.
Liberals clarify their Racism is actually Democratic Racism
Liberals seem to have a problem as more Justin Trudeau blackface photos have surfaced. Meanwhile, Democratic politicians in America continue to say anti-semitic things.In their defense, liberals have come out to clarify that their racism isn't the destructive kind condemned by most of humanity, but rather, it's a new improved form called "democratic racism."
Bloods and Crips release joint statement calling for more "Civility In US Politics"
LOS ANGELES, CA—Stressing that the behavior of U.S. citizens has gotten “completely out of hand” and the populace is “acting like animals,” representatives of infamous street gangs the Bloods and the Crips released a joint statement Wednesday urging more civility in American politics.“We’ve been blasting and shanking each other since the ’70s, but seeing the way Republicans and Democrats hate each other now has, frankly, made us sick to our stomachs,” the statement read in part. “We’re afraid of letting our kids watch the news because of what you’re doing to each other on a regular basis.”
RIYADH—Chick-Fil-A executives were delighted when Riyadh development authorities invited the restaurant to open a new location in the city. They love serving delicious chicken sandwiches and spreading Chick-Fil-A cheer wherever they're invited, even if they disagree with the worldviews, religions, and lifestyles of certain areas.Unknown to them, however, Saudi Arabia only asked Chick-Fil-A to come because they thought they were supposed to be homophobic, anti-LGBT, spreading hate and fear of gay people wherever they went.
Washington, DC -In a letter to Congress the NRA will stop producing firearms at the end of this month. All NRA gun manufacturing facilities will stop production in the United States and Mexico. Smith and Wesson has promised to ramp up production as reported by the NRA website.
Panel of Third Graders to dictate World Climate Change Policy
WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change."These kids have ideas and they are passionate, so we must listen to them," said Sen. Brian Schatz of Hawaii. "There are no possible downsides to taking kids who have been told the world is ending by the public school system and allowing them to dictate national policies on important issues."
Nation's murderous psychopaths undecided on whether they will follow "New Gun Laws"
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapons such as AR-15s. While these laws are likely to be a headache for law-abiding gun owners, the nation’s murderous psychopaths aren’t quite certain how the laws will affect them.
College campus designates 2-inch-by-2-inch patch of concrete as "Free Speech Zone"
PINESVILLE, CA—Administrators of local liberal arts college Freedom University announced that for the upcoming semester, there will be a free speech zone available for all students who wish to express any opinion they want to.The zone is a 2-inch x 2-inch patch of concrete in an alley behind the university's cafeteria, adjacent to the dumpsters. The space is clearly marked with a red chalk mark, indicating that students are welcome to express any opinion within the confines of the four inches of space.
Art exhibit features Elizabeth Warren reading DNA test results
VENICE—A thought-provoking new art exhibit in Venice, Italy yesterday showed Elizabeth Warren sitting at a desk reading her DNA test results for over an hour.Warren sat at the desk and read through the thousands of pages providing conclusive proof that she's not Native American in an exhibit that was said to be a "powerful statement speaking truth to science."
Deranged lunatics are running for no apparent reason
ANKENY, IA—Friends and family of Landon Carter expressed concern about his mental state after he revealed that he just runs for no reason whatsoever."Yeah, I like running around the neighborhood, just for fun," Carter said "I get up in the morning and I run a few miles. It's enjoyable. In no way is it weird that I enjoy jogging around the neighborhood, with no destination and no apparent purpose."
Black Conservative informed by white people that he is Racist
CHICAGO—Local tech entrepreneur and member of the Chicago Black Republicans, Jonathan Woods, was informed that he is a racist for his conservative views.It was a Starbucks barista who first leveled the accusation. Woods explained: “I was just sitting there, reading a book by Thomas Sowell about the benefits of capitalism, when she confronted me. She yelled, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Before I could respond, she demanded I leave and said she’d call the cops on me for being a white supremacist. I didn’t know what to do, so I left.”
NYT reveals source on Kavanaugh allegations was reputable Nigerian Prince
NEW YORK, NY—Many people criticized the New York Times' recent piece bringing to light new and recycled Brett Kavanaugh allegations, especially after the website issued a disclaimer admitting basically nobody remembered the alleged incident. But the Times is standing by its story, going so far as to reveal its source: a reputable Nigerian prince who emailed the investigative reporters offering information in exchange for funds to be wired via MoneyGram.
New radar system alerts Politicians when people are enjoying something so they can Ban It
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Politicians in Washington have developed a radar that detects when people are enjoying something so they can figure out what will be the target of their next ban.The advanced fun detection system has already found hundreds of new things that politicians in Washington weren't aware people were enjoying. Every day, the lawmakers and executives are provided with a list of fun stuff people are doing and then immediately get to work on stopping this fun.
When asked by ABC moderator David Muir to confirm that he planned to mandate that Americans sell their guns, the former Texas congressman responded, “hell yes.”“We’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47. We’re not going to allow it to be used against our fellow Americans anymore,” O’Rourke said.
Tough housing market forces more Millennials to live in a van down by the river
U.S.—A tough, high-priced, and brutally competitive housing market is forcing more and more millennials to live in a van down by the river. Many 20-30 somethings are also having to live on a steady diet of government cheese, sources confirmed. They also do a lot of doobie-rolling.
Dog identifies as genderfluid to avoid getting neutered
PORTLAND, OR—LGBTQ+ activists are praising Spot, as Spot is the world's first genderfluid dog. Spot came to the realization he's genderfluid after his owner announced they would be going to the vet to get neutered."Neutered? What's that? Oh boy! Sounds fun! Ball!" Spot said. But then he came across some promotional material for the vet's services his owner had left on the coffee table, and Spot was horrified. "No more ball! No more ball!"
Pre-Inca child sacrifice site was actually a Planned Parenthood
LIMA, PERU—A recently discovered pre-Columbian burial site containing the bodies of hundreds of slaughtered children was originally considered to be part of a mass human sacrifice. However, experts have discovered new evidence revealing that the mass execution was simply leftover from an ancient Planned Parenthood.“Our initial reaction was horror!” said Dr. Molly Locke, lead supervisor of the excavation. “It really made us ponder how a society could get to such a depraved place that they would willingly allow their young, innocent, vulnerable, children to be violently and systematically torn to pieces. There’s absolutely no excuse for that!”
Alabama Sharpie thing identified as most important issue by 78% of voters
In a recent survey of the top issue for likely voters, there was a clear winner, scoring as the number one concern for 78% of respondents: the Alabama Sharpie thing.The Alabama Sharpie thing is now in its second week of news coverage and many now expect it to be the main issue on Election Day 2020.
Major League Baseball has banned all red baseball caps as "symbols of hate."Effective immediately, there's a $10,000 fine per player who wears a red cap during a game or in public said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. We want every Major League Baseball game to feature a welcoming, inclusive atmosphere, and we can't do that when people are being triggered by these red caps.
Walmart asks customers to stop shopping in Sleepwear
The largest retail chain in the country is doing its part to curb one of the worst social epidemics of our generation. Walmart recently announced that it is asking its customers to refrain from visiting the stores dressed in pajamas, even in states where the practice is legal.Walmart CEO Doug McMillon said it’s up to companies and business leaders to be the change they want to see happen in the world. “Somehow, our stores have created a culture where people think it's perfectly acceptable to go out in public in whatever they slept in,” McMillon said. “We're trying to change that.”