:(

I only know dirty jokes, this is the sickest joke on earth, warning read at your own risk:

A man and a little girl are walking hand-in-hand through a dark forest.

The girl says, "it's dark, I'm scared."

The man, "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone..."

Funny? No.

Did I laugh? Yes I did.

I also like the movies Resvoir Dogs and Clockwork Orange, I might need a psychiatrist :)

A New Element

The recent hurricanes and skyrocketing oil and gasoline prices helped to prove the existence of a new element. In early October 2005, a major research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called 'morons' which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called 'peons.' Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!

Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay; but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming 'isodopes.' This characteristic of moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as 'Critical Morass.'

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes "Administratium' (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

author: unknown

The Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincenzo,

Imma feel pretty sad, because it looks like Imma no be able to plant my tomato garden thisa year. Imma just getta too old to digga up a garden plot. I know if you wassa here my troubles woulda be over. I know you woulda be happy to digga the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

Three guys went hiking in the jungle and got lost. they were then caught by canible's, who took them to see the tribe leader. the tribe leader tells them to go out into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the same fruit.

so they each go their separate ways.

the first guy comes back with apples. the tribe leader tells him to stick them all up his anus, without using any facial expressions what so ever, if he does he'll get eaten.

he gets the first one up but winces on the second, so he got eaten.

the second guy came back with berries. he gets to 8 and bursts out laughing. so he gets eaten.

later that day the first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven. the first guy says to the second guy 'y'd u start laughing? u were doin' great...'

the second guy says '...i couldn't help it. i saw the third guy coming with pineapples...'

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

This is a tad bit unclean as a warning now,

So a man is suffering from pre ejaculation, so he goes and visits his doctor. He explains his situation and the doctor simply says " frighten yourself right before you ejaculate ".

The man then goes to Sports Authority and purchases a starter gun. He then goes home to test out what the doctor had told him. Utterly surprised he finds his wife nude spread eagle on their bed. As they are making love they end up in the 69 position. The man feels himself getting ready to ejaculate and pulls out the starter gun and fires the rounds in it.

So a couple days later the man goes and visits the doctor again. The doctor says " so Mark is your problem solved? " Mark replies " well after I used the starter gun my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came running out the closet naked with his hands up "

Don't worry. I'm blond and 4 out of the 6 people in my family are blond too- my brother, sister, and mom. If anybody is allowed to make a blond joke, it'd be me. :)

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

What do you call something that is, big and red and eats rocks?

Answer: A big red rock eater!

A pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, David, Darren and Daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both of them that she kills herself. Sad for the boys but they get over it, and again, nature takes its course. After a few more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing.. so they bury her.

When a lesbian gets sexualy excited, does her tongue get hard?

Knock Knock

who's there

Winnie the

Winnie the Who?

I never get to say yhe punch line because by now my kids are laughing too hard.

A black boyscout and a white boyscout are hiking together when the white boy gets bit in the ass by a rattle snake. The black boy takes out his boyscout handbook and reads "For snake bites, you must make sure to suck all of the venum out. Failure to do so may result in death." The white boy asks, "What does the handbook say? What does the handbook say!!!" The black boy says, "Handbook says yo is gonna die!" ;)

(this one's kind of racist...)

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"

Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"Tang Na! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!" exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah ....Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B;from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room.

"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.

"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered back.

"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the director.

"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same."

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

Little johnny frantically calls to his teacher," Teacher! teacher! i found a dead cat outside!

The teacher asked," how do you know if its dead?". Little johnny replies, " well i pissed in its ear." The teacher turns in shock and screams," YOU DID WHAT?!?!" little johnny stared at her like she was an idiot and says," you know. i went pssssst... in its ear and it didnt wake up."

The government did a study and found out that every terrorist that sucessfully blew himself up had blue eyes. One blew this way and one blew that way.

OK, that's not a real joke. I just made it up. Don't be too harsh, I haven't had my coffee yet ;)

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.... huh..., this is not what I meant Mr. Van Gogh. Please take it back.

Still, no coffee. I'm just warming up ;)

Little boy blue till his mother caught him.

This is a handgranade joke. A handgranade joke is where I pull the pin and throw it out there and after a little while, BAM! You're like, "Oh, now I get it. He was blowing somebody when his mother caught him and beat his ass!" ;)

messed up on certain levels, but when my friend sent it to me i had to smile. (:

In June, the government will be shipping all the stupid people out of the country. I cried when I thought of you. Please be safe, and don't forget your crayons !

okay, you must know Filipino history and a little bit about fish. lol.

1: Who killed Magellan ?

2: Lapu Lapu !

1: And who killed Lapu Lapu ?

2: ...

1: A FISHERMAN ! :D

There were three students: one Japanese, Haole, and Filipino. The teacher asked the students to use the words, "chicken, nut, and bread" in a sentence. The Japanese girl went first.

"Last night for dinner my mother cooked us chicken and yummy banana nut bread".

"That's good", the teacher replied.

Next went the haole boy, "I live on a farm and we raise chickens, and grow nuts to put them into our bread".

After that, the teacher asked the Filipino boy to use the words in a sentence.

The Filipino boy replied, "Ho ya know... my madda said neba put de plastic bag oba my sistah's head cuz chicken nut bread"

haha, ohkay, you have to listen to everything he says. it won't be funny if you don't listen close ! c[;

I only know one joke. I just don't plug jokes into my memory bank what-so-ever. (But I laugh at almost everything). But here's the one joke I find worth remembering... and erm.. it's racist...but I"m not racist...I swear... maybe it's American.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

(Follow up joke) How do you get the black kid down from the ceiling?

Call in the Mexicans and say "Pinata!"

BURN. Hehe.

I actually think this joke could keep friggin going until you use every race in the world.

d e l e t e d .

d e l e t e d .

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

de le t e d .

PS..............................................................

We don't stop laughing because we grow old;

we grow old because we stop laughing.

Hey bud, their looking for us, they have the the descriptions of one awesome tough guy and a retard. They caught me, so grab your crayons and run!

from family guy:

So Joe and everyone were playing cherades, and joe fell overboard (he is paralyzed in the legs).

Joe: AHHHHH!!! HELP!!! IM DROWNING!!! sinks

Bonnie: oh my god someone save him!!!

Peter: Kick, joe!! kick!!!

Lois: Peter, he's handicapped!

Peter: You idiot, lois! just because he's handicapped doesnt mean he's deaf!!! KICK JOE KICK!!!

from family guy:

So Joe and everyone were playing cherades, and joe fell overboard (he is paralyzed in the legs).

Joe: AHHHHH!!! HELP!!! IM DROWNING!!! sinks

Bonnie: oh my god someone save him!!!

Peter: Kick, joe!! kick!!!

Lois: Peter, he's handicapped!

Peter: You idiot, lois! just because he's handicapped doesnt mean he's deaf!!! KICK JOE KICK!!!

HEY ! Wanna Hear a Joke ? :D

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...Miley Cyrus. (ohh BURN !)