Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A string walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind."

The string comes in the next day. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind. If you came in here again, I'm gonna call the cops."

The string ties himself and makes his ends messy and walks into the bar. Bartender says, "I'm calling the cops." String says, "I'm a frayed knot."

two blondes are standing on either side of a river. one blonde yells to the other ,"excuse me ,can you tell me how to get to the other side?" to which the other blonde replies,"ha ha silly, your already on the other side!"

what happened to the constipated mathematician?He worked it out with a pencil.

an englishman an irishman and an american walk into a bar , the barman says "whats this?,some kind of a joke?"

whats the deffiniton of gross? Opening up your fridge and your rump roast farts at you.

Two gays walk into a bar.One goes to sit down.The other says "can i push your stool in?"

why dont blondes use vibrators? because they'd chip thier teeth!

why did cavemen drag thier women by the hair? They would have filled up with dirt if theyd dragged them by yhe feet.

how can you tell if a womans wearing naked colored pantyhose?when she farts her ankles swell.

Q...what do you call two lesbian chickens ? A.................. sticky beaks

Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel peace prize....wait that actually happened.