Post Your Funniest Jokes Here (Uncensored)
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."
From another forum:
Three sofisticated high tech theives are returning to their hideout in their own private jet after a hard days "work".
A few hours into the flight their pilot comes on over the jets intercom. "hey guys, we seem to be carring a bit too much weight, dump some of the cargo or we will be out of fuel soon" The first theif looks at the other two and says, dont worry guys i got this. he goes to the hatch, opens it, and proceeds to drop various expensive and rare fossils stolen earlier that day.
shortly after the pilot comes on the inter come again, "hey guys, that helped a little bit but we still need to lose sme more weight." this time the second thief goes to the hatch, and throws out a large breif case full of fake printed money.
again the pilot comes on the intercome and says " were almost good guys, we just need to shed a little more weight" now the third thife goes to the hatch and throws out a bomb.
soon after they land at thier airport and begin the small walk back to their hide out. soon they see a man crying and holding his head as if he has been hurt, and they ask him. "what happened to you?" the man replies "god hates me! he threw stones at me from the sky!"
continuing on their way they soon run into another man, this one smileing, grinning and happy as can be. "what happened to you?" they ask him, and the man replies. " god loves me! he just threw a million dollars at me from the sky!"
just before they reach their hideout they run into a third man. this time the man is laughing histerically, seemingly without control. "what happened to you?" they ask, and the man replies erupting with laughter "I DONT KNOW! BUT I FARTED AND THE HOUSE BEHIDE ME BLEW UP!"
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'
The Bible is in fact 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
They say shitting is the call of nature. Does that mean farting is a missed call?
You know you are drunk when you swerve to miss a tree then realize it is the air freshener hanging from your mirror.
Being happy doesn't mean everything is good. It just means the drugs are working.
Halloween is by far the safest day to kill someone and leave them in a chair on your porch.
The Bible says that gays aren't natural...But a snake that can talk is?
A burger sneaks into a house through the front door, as he creeps into the hall he hears a voice, it says
"Jesus is watching you"
The burglar's a little unnerved but carries on into the kitchen when he again hears a voice say
"Jesus is watching you"
Feeling a bit nervous now he heads to the living room where he again hears
"Jesus is watching you"
But he finds the living room is the source of the voice an finds a parrot.
"Oh thank god" he exclaims quietly "what's your name little bird" he asks
The bird replies "Moses"
"What person names there parrot Moses?!"
To which the parrot replies
"The same people who call their Rottweiler Jesus"
Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One's fun to hit with a hammer, the other is just a watermelon.
What do a baby and a drum set have in common?
They both make different sounds depending on where you hit them.
Whats the difference between babies and communion wafers?
Atheists dont eat communion wafers.
Whats the difference between a 78' corvette stingray and a pile of dead babies?
I dont have a corvette in my garage
Whats worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can?
One dead baby in 10 trash cans.
Jews caused 9/11
Thank you and goodnight!!!!!
Car for sale
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blonde's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"