Think this deserves an 'A'? Do you like it?
I was supposed to write a poem that was fairly dark/scary for one of my classes. Let me know what you guys think.
Room 23.
I stare into what feels like night,
You see I am a bit of a phobic
When there is a lack of light
When I am concealed in utter darkness I begin to perspirate
Though I try with all of my might
Try to calm myself from the nightmare knowing I can not fight fate
As being in a nightmare to me is an easy task
You see my nightmare wears no mask
While I lay hollowly screaming whilst dreaming
Of nothing that I can fight, only fear
Walking blindly into a pitch black hell
Feeling the devil wanting to buy the only thing
That I have to sell
All these blank images, of nothing but the color black
Feeling myself caught in the midst of a smokestack
Merely due to what I can not see
As all I want to be is free of the fear of
What I am unable to visualize
What I can not see is likewise to a blind mans eyes
I could hypothesize why I fear the way I do
However all I could tell you would be nothing but lies
I want my imagination to only fade
As this vertigo I am in only edges me closer to my grave
My fears convert me into darkness’s slave
See I scream only mentally and in my minds eye I can see I am crazy
Fearing to be awake, whilst it is night
And finding myself in darkness nothing to shine bright
As dreaming nightmares through the night into daylight
Is better to weather than any late night fright
To be awake realizing that reality is not fake, feeling real pain
Comprehending that I am not sane
My imagination is what makes me prone to fear
This is why I adhere to what I find to be unclear
As my heart quickens I jeer as nothing matters there is nothing to fear.
I will forget this however after the men in white put me down
As after they put me down I will be unable to frown
They say I am unsound that I am lost and will never be found
However as the medication fades I see clearly how close I am to the brink of sanity
They don’t want this you see, they want me to remain crazy
It puts money in their pocket as I scribble insanities that I covet
My illness deserves no credit to none but me you see I forfeit
Until I awaken once more, to there pounding of my door.
I will remain here in my room forever reserved.
Here with those that I hear but do not see
the others that are disturbed.
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point
College or high school level? Either way, you should ensure that you're keeping with rhythmic limitation. eg. the pickled peer is delicious, even tasty to a goon Peanuts are castaways, like sad backlot toons The lonely woman bares herself, bosom to the moon In line with the rhythmic limitation, your meter begins to skew after the first few rhymes. You should fix that. You're also a bit too abstract. Write about the more concrete aspects of your experience. While listeners/readers might be able to intuitively understand this notion of nothingness that pervades your poem, they'll struggle to visualize it and get a visceral experience from it. Even in nonsense poetry, you'll get concrete wording. Consider the Jabberwocky, by Lewis Carol. Side: Not what I was looking for
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point
Do you want the opinion of a friend, or an honest opinion? Friendly opinion: It was terrific. Honest opinion: Some lines I felt were too long, as were some of the words. Some lines were used syllables that were too difficult to properly enunciate in a manner suitable for poetry. Try to calm myself from the nightmare knowing I can not fight fate Should be rewritten as 'Try to calm myself from the nightmare Fate I know I can not fight.' I rarely read modern poems, thus I cannot judge it properly from a modern person's opinion. If you care regardless of your grade, why not try submitting it to a magazine. Find out what they think - they are most likely to give it a proper appraisal. Side: A minus
Thanks mate, just to let you know it is a spoken word poem. So it comes out sounding a little bit like a rap, with parts that are fast paced and others that have heavy pronunciations on the endings of others. I appreciate the criticism, and what did you think? Your honest opinion doesn't tell me what you thought =P Side: A minus
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point
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