'Thus, changes have been made in different factions of society, ranging from job opportunites to promotions because the gender revolution would be harder to contain or resolve if it is not mitigated swiftly.' - please check how you should use the word 'mitigate' - only applies to lessening impact of negative things. Therefore, not the correct word to use here!
'it is prevalent in Singapore's society' - what exactly does 'it' refer to here? You need to write more precisely.
'have children at a later stage after their marriage. As such, women get to enter the world of work and develop in this area.' - no flow in logical connection
'One of the main causes for this is the lack of understanding between married couples which eventually leads to failed relationships.' - don't you need to SHOW how this lack of understanding is directly related to lack of understanding between men & women? - need to do this before talking about consequences
'to participate in the shrinking workforce.' - what does this mean?
Should elaborate - develop HOW technological progress frees women to work - in factories, press button/push lever. At office, use computers, fax machines etc which do not need brute strength. Giving PRECISE examples is better than general points.
The precise point by author about changes in management is a shift from confrontational style to cooperative style. Not really addressed in your answer.
'and also agree that this would spur more movements towards the manifestation of what Chan believes is the gender revolution.' - What does 'this' refer to? Unclear.
'people tend to not credit the phenomenon to these changes' - what phenomenon?
'unwilling to admit that it is a reality' - what does 'it' refer to?
Can write more precisely and clearly to bring across your argument fully.
'Several cases occurring on a daily basis show that women are mistreated males in India.' - Please write your point more precisey and clearly!
Similrarly, 'The number of cases to be so great that the police can do nothing about it.'
Should segue to Singapore in 2nd half of paragraph.
(Why do you need to do that?)
You said, according to author, A caused Y, plus B caused Y and then follow it with 'This is true of many different countries, as birth control techniques, including contraceptive pills or sterilization etc are highly effective.'
What exactly does 'this' refer to then?
And then the rest of your argument utterly ignores the B caused Y claim...
Should clean up the flow of your argument
'Also, being able to have a voice now, whereby opinions would be taken into consideration as long as it was feasible and useful, as compared to the past whereby everything women said were considered to be not constructive or useless.'
- please write complete sentences.
The precise point by author is change from confrontational management style, to cooperative management style. Should always give precise point of author.
'In my society, Singapore, the high literacy rate and access the advanced technology such as the various birth control methods ultimately lead to a decrease a birth rate. This is due to the fact that women, whom are more educated, are able to compete with men in the corporate world.'
Cause and effect very strange! Check reasoning.
'Therefore, the introduction of education is the cause.'
Better to write 'Therefore, the introduction of education is the main cause of .....' state exact full point you are referring to!
You said:Also this constant dependence on technology will cause all human kind to be over reliant on technology making them virtually handicapped once these technology is taken away from them. Therefore the idea of a green utopia is not feasible as it conflicts with mankind's main priority which is survival itself, as there is no point in sustaining a green world when we cant even sustain ourselves. - How is this a logical conclusion?!
Generally good points. However, be careful of your references: 'John Carey mentions that we should make do with our current state of world as it may potentially create a social divide...' What does 'it' refer to? In this sentence, it is about 'our current state of the world(don't miss your articles!), but you are actually talking about technology!
Zhenwei, your points are correct, but your elaboration is lacking. eg The world itself is full of imperfection (why so? explain, before going on to say "It is then not possible for utopia to be achieved but rather, something to strive for"
Another chance to explain - the imperfect nature of man - how? why would this impede achieving utopia? etc
