Breaking up (a personal story and question)
I was recently dating a girl, only went on 3 dates in about three weeks, we both seemed to like one another more and more on each of the three dates and things progress well, introducing me to her friends and keeping in touch frequently. On the third date we slept together. However, on that date, prior to having sex, she told me some things which shocked me and I told her that I had some hesitations about dating because of those things.
At one point in the evening she got serious and told me about her past and what she wanted from a relationship, also saying that she had been raped on two occasions in the past couple years. This night was when things got a bit too serious for me and I told her that i was a little bit shocked by her having been raped and also the talking about how many kids she wants, marriage soon, and having a different ideology.
In spite of my shock, because of mutual sexually attraction, we both allowed things to progress to sex - it was completely mutual and I had even given her the option to go home to her place (to nip sexual likelihood in the bud) rather than come with me and she decided to come to my place. She provided the condom and 'warmed me up' prior to sex, and was entirely agreeable before, during, and after sex.
We were supposed to talk about how I felt about things about a week later but, due to circumstances and a lack of good planning, we were not able to meet up.
We finally talked about things a week later and I told her that I needed to think about things, about wether or not i wanted to pursue the relationship any further.
A week later, I told her that I wanted to stop dating and be friends.
I work an odd schedule so although it is hard to be in touch as frequently as people that have similar schedules do, i tried to communicate with her whenever i could and whenver it seemed prudent (i.e. not in the middle of the night).
When I told her that i didnt want to date anymore, She claimed that i had lied to her about my thoughts and feelings to get her into bed (i didnt do this in the slightest), had been out of touch for days on end (max of 36 hours at any time), and that I was using the fact that she had been raped against her (it wasnt the rape that bothered me so much as how serious things had gotten so soon). When we talked things out she agreed that i didnt lie, and that it was more about the seriousness of things that bothered me.
She then redacted and said that i was holding the fact that she had been raped against her again.
Was what I did in any way a dick move? I was really trying to be straight up with her about things. I told her that because things took a sudden turn toward the serious my emotional response was to turn off - seemed a bit soon to discuss personal history on that level.
it is important to discuss certain things before sex but as far as i am concerned, i only want to know if you are game, on the pill, and disease free (these things seem sufficient to me, not ). In other words i didnt think that her having been raped was necessary, that it was too serious for a 3rd date.
So was I/ am I a dick?
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What you have is a serious attention whore, and I would know ;) She chose to tell you something personal for attention and probably wanted the comfort you gave her for a night. I seriously believe that she twists reality around to make herself the victim. Meaning, I suggest you stay away. Those woman are no fun. 1
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(I seriously believe that she twists reality around to make herself the victim. Meaning, I suggest you stay away.) I totally agree with this!! I have seen girls who get almost obsessed with guys to the point its kinds scary! They say/do things to get attention and if the guy tries to leave then they twist things on him. Nothing but trouble!! 2
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As far as I can see, you were trying to start off the relationship casually and build up from there, but you chose to date an emotionally scarred girl, with an inferiority complex. I don't think you did anything necessarily wrong and you were entirely within bounds of trying to call it off fairly. You should probably know that you'l be another chapter in the girl's dramatic sob story though. She seems a bit manipulative. I wouldn't say she's bad, necessarily (and given that she's not crazy, the whole rape thing is a major factor in how she treats men), but this is a person who seems to want control. Example: In order to use her rape against you, she's claiming that you use her rape against her. Women who have been raped, especially the more horrific it was, are very damaged. Women can get over it, but this can do many things to them, including lowering the self-esteem greatly and making them feel like their world is out of control. This causes them to want to take control, even if it's of another person. Do what's best for YOU. Clearly getting serious so soon isn't your thing (and for reasonable reasons), and this girl most likely only has one goal, to take over your life. While I would have to agree with the others about her being a bit manipulative or a word twister, I do have to state two things: Regardless of what date you are in, if you two are considering sleeping together, her sharing with you that she was raped is appropriate and valid. For rape deals with sex and all the little strings a sexual encounter may have based on the fact that in the past she was raped. And my other concern is if you were upfront with her that you think this may be a little fast (marriage, kids, committed relationship). I don't mean you telling her you were a bit shocked about those things, but that you are indeed hesitant about moving that fast and that you do not know whether or not you want to go there. Because perhaps, she interpreted you having sex with her after hearing what she wants as an acceptance to that burden. Other than that, it's your prerogative if you wish not to date her for any reason, and from what you described, she seemed to be moving way too fast for what she wanted from you. 1
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(BUT WOMEN USE SEX FOR ONLY ONE THING AND THAT IS TO GET A MAN TO MARRY HER SHE WAS USING YOU) * I disagree with this big time! Not all women want the same thing. I always said i didnt want to get married because i seen how many people got divorced! I have slept with people in the past and would not have even though about marrying them. Now, I am 25 years old and had a child.. I am just now thinking about married after 5 years of us being together! So i disagree that women use sex for only one thing!! 1
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I don't think you are a bad person. I think because of her rape, she is emotionally confused. I believe rape caused her to be this way. And i find that sad to be honest. :( Talk it out with her again because she is going to continue you think you used her, and that will make her mental state more fragile. I believe both of you are in the wrong, however, from this telling, you have the moral high ground. What I have gotten from this story is that the girl you were dating told you she was raped twice. You felt pressured and harried and wanted to cancel the session of intercourse, but she insisted. You did it, but, due to your odd job schedule and the emotional weight you had to carry, you wanted to break up. She then accused you of rape. She is more wrong because of her violent reaction, dumping all this on you on the first date, insisting to have sex even though you dropped a hint that you didn't, and, of crouse, outright lying. You, on the other hand, should have been stronger. When a girl tells you she's been raped twice, you could probably hazard a guess that she did this because she trusts and respects you. You, as the male, are expected to be her crutch to help her carry the enormous mental burden, to ease it, and, if possible, remove it entirely. Instead, because of your weakness, you caused her even more trauma and pain. There are two possibilities that would alter the circumstances: One, since this is from your side, there is a distinct possibility that it is biased. If possible, I would like to hear her side. And second, that she was lying about being raped and/or considered raped to be something like what you did (i.e. not rape at all Despite this, I sympathize with you. People make mistakes, and she should not have reacted the way she did. Good Luck! I do believe, that the moment she talked to you about her rape and it made you uncomfortable was the moment you should have ended things. It is very easy to say that it was mutual but my friend its only obvious she would have slept with you, since she had feelings for you. I believe that by letting her sleep with you only gave her false hope, once we start doubting, I honestly and whole heartedly it is important to seperate from another person. I dont believe you are bad person but it is sometimes important to think ahead before dropping the pants, especially when one has stronger feelings. |
