Coca-Cola or Water?

The choice is easy: You must choose Coca-Cola.

Reasons:

1)Ubiquity. No matter where you are in the world, you can buy a Coke. That's not true of water.

2)Taste. Coca-Cola tastes better than water. Even nature agrees. Yellow-jackets at a picnic table will be attracted to Coke more than water. Coke is sweet and carbonated, and that tingly sensation just can't be matched by even the best water.

3)Reliability. When you buy a coke, you know what you're getting. That's not true of water. Water can contain hazardous chemicals: pharmaceuticals, pesticides, industrial waste chemicals, some with teratogenic effects. Even 'pristine' environments untouched by humans can have hazardous levels of arsenic. In addition, water can contain biological contaminants such as viruses, bacteria, and parasitic worms. This is especially true when water is contaminated by human fecal matter.

4)Performance Enhancement. That sugar and caffeine hit will enhance our performance unlike regular water ever could: Now we can study for that test, or just stay up longer destroying our opponents on createdebate. If you don't like caffeine or sugar, there are caffeine-free and sugar-free cokes.

5)Other uses. Coke can ruin a paint job on a car, and if poured into the gas tank can destroy the inner workings, as well. This can be useful. >:). Water is not as good at these things.

6)Cost Gratification. Experiments by Dan Ariely show that people feel better about more expensive purchases. We can feel better about purchasing coke, because it is more expensive than water, and therefore it must actually be better and we can feel better about it.

7)Peer Acceptance. Advertisements show that people who drink coke are cool, and well-liked by other cool people. Therefore if you want to be cool and have alot of friends, you had better buy that Coke, you lonely loser. No-one brings water to a party.

8)Self Acceptance. Advertisements also show that people who drink coke are young, attractive, healthy, and happy. If you are overweight or too young or too old, just drink a Coke and you can feel like you are like one of those wonderful people in the advertisements.

9)The Drug Angle. Coke used to have cocaine in it. And drugs are cool( drugs are so cool, the government has decided that only the government should be allowed to have drugs), so Coca-Cola must be cool by association. Also we should buy coke now before the government takes that away from us, too.

10)The Bottle. The bottle is shaped like a woman's breast. It is even red at the tip. When we drink from the bottle, it is like we are returning to our mothers. And who doesn't love their own mother?

11)The Liquid. The color of the liquid is black, with a reddish hue when light is shone through it. Red reminds one of blood. So when we drink Coca-Cola, it is like we are vampires, and vampires are awesome, so that's cool.

12)The Nazi Angle. Eisenhower copied the Nazi idea for a tax-funded transportation system that enabled Blitzkreig, because Blitzkreig is cool, and he wanted one too. This 'free' transportation system lowers Coca-Cola's distribution costs alot, because they don't have to pay the full cost of the wear-and-tear that the trucks cause themselves, but can externalize that cost onto the taxpayer. Lower costs means we can all buy more Coke! We maybe can afford less of everything else, but it is so worth it.

13)Warren Buffett. Warren Buffett's company Berkshire Hathaway owns Coca-Cola stock. Warren Buffett is the richest man in the world. Therefore if we all drink Coca-Cola, we can all be the richest man in the world.

14)Water is fake. Only Coca-Cola is "The real thing".

15)Anyone who says anything bad about Coca-Cola is a terrible human being who kills puppies, and drinks water.

Defenses:

Some say that

1)Some say plastic bottles contain chemicals that harm the person who drinks from them. I say that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But if you do die or fail to reproduce, then it's survival of the fittest and we've only made the human race that much stronger.

2)Some say that plastic bottles harm the environment. I say that plastic bottles represent man's eternal temple to nature. After all, where did plastic come from? Petroleum...which came from the Dinosaurs. So they have only themselves to blame.

3)Some say that water is natural. Well guess what, so is death.

4)Some say that high fructose corn syrup (the sweetener in Coke) is bad for your health, and is made cheap in the first place by massive government subsidies. I say the government knows how to spend your money better than you do, so just shut up and pay your taxes and swallow that corn-syrup. If you get diabetes, you'll only be stimulating the economy by increasing your medical expenses, so start drinking more Coke.

I prefer Coca-Cola because it is a soda and gives me energy.