STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,

'Beat it: You are washed up

And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,

'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.

'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running.. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch

When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking

And running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

- BOOM -

He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit......

Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Vaseline Survey:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was

greeted by a Young woman with three small children running

around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie

to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or

to help with a gate hinge .

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your

honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me

exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...

My husband and I put it on the

door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And just wot were you thinkin'?

Little Joe was sitting in the lounge playing with his train set...."chuka chuka chuka chuka,choochoo pshh" he says, as he pulls the train into the station."all you arseholes that wanna git off, git off!,all you arseholes that wanna git on, git on!"and then pulls the train out of the station.His mom who was in the kitchen and not believing what she heard, went to the door to listen. "chuka chuka chuka choo choo pshhh"says lil joe as he pulls up at the station, "all you arshOWW" BOOF his mom wacks him up the back of the head"GET TO YOUR ROOM AND DONT COME OUT TIL YOU THINK ABOUT IT!", She yells glaring at him.so lil joe,rubbing his head and in tears, drudges off to his room.Ten minutes later,mom hears his little footsteps and goes to the door of the kitchen to listen again, to see if he had learnt his lesson."chukachuka choo choo,pshh",he says quietly,as he pulls his lil train into the station,"all you nice people who would like to get off ,get off.All you nice people that want to get on, get on." his mom, satisfied, turned to walk away,and just as she did, she heard joe say,"And if you would like to know why the train is late."..........................................................................................................................................................................."SEE THE BITCH IN THE KITCHEN!" ;P

This stuff is so good you can't top it!!! LMFAO! ````````````````````````````````````

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many."

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

. At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.

· At age 12, success is...having friends.

· At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.

· At age 20, success is...having sex.

· At age 35, success is...having money.

· At age 50, success is...having money.

· At age 60, success is...having sex.

· At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.

· At age 75, success is...having friends.

· At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

Here is some more jokes sent to me by Dean @

T H A T' S C O M E D Y!

______________________

One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the

laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away

from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little

feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came

to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful

sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the

lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just

escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to

them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got

carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the

most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them

again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat

them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later

completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke

softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits

there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

"They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his

little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back

over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We

thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the

laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck

and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the

beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular

evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze

was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat

there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm

from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to

enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another

shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the

most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty

bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to

health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to

their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red

sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night

of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings"

again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave

in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in

her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‎About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the

honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru

the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

The desk clerk waves him over. "Hey buddy" he says, "shouldn't

you be upstairs making love to your new bride?"

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea the doc says

no sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his

fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and

says. "Since you can't have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal

sex."

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got diarrhea the doc says

no anal sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to

fish"

The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the clerk

waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. "Since you can't

have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into

performing oral sex for you" he says.

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got pyorrhea her dentist

says no oral sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to

fish"

The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, Let me get this straight,

your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell

would you marry a girl like that?

"Well" says the Okie, "she's got worms too, and I love to fish!"

A blind old man walks into a wood processing factory in response to an advertisement to be a wood quality tester.

His interviewer exclaims "How can you test wood quality if you cant even see"

The old man replies "Bring me any piece of wood and I'll identify it for you."

Out of curiosity, the interviewer asks his secretary to bring in some wood samples.

Holding a piece of aged oak to the old mans face he says "what do you think that is?"

The old man smells the piece of wood and replies "That is a piece of aged oak"

The interviewer is surprised so he holds up a piece of varnished cedar.

Again the old man sniffs the wood and says "that is cedar, varnished if I might add."

The interviewer now tries to play a trick on the old man, He calls his secretary over and whispers "put your ass up to his face" he then says to the old man "What do you think this is"

The old man takes a sniff and looking confused says "I am not too sure, can you turn it around"

The interviewer waves to his secretary to turn around, and she does, the old man gives another big sniff of the secretaries crotch and exclaims "I know what that is"

"What is it?" questions the interviewer.

"Thats the shit house door from a tuna boat"

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

A far more accurate account in the Bears' house of the events on that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cats' litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*ING PORRIDGE YET".

get your fun gas out over this woman...http://www.myspace.com/jennytaliafromaustralia

Why was the nun refused entry to heaven ? She had a naughty habit.

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude

beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while

the son played in the water.

After a while the boy came up to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and

said,

"Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's."

The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber

they are."

So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran

back to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw,

and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told

to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman,

"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a

detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad & the morgue needed

someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl &

Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl

said,

"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said,

"Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought

Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said,

"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said,

"No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said,

"Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes".

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when

an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,

gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and

walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a

divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no

wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more

country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the

restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older

he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being

referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a

doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that

it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which

causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.

The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to

relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to

live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but

decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he

was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he

walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different

person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I

need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,

"I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44

tall."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It

fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman

asked,

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and .

. .16-and-a-half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the

collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-

half . . .wide.

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked

comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

"How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and

5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when

the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see

. . .Size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34. "It

would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and

give you one hell of a headache."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus

conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.

After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits

her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear

dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on

death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12

pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the

chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According

to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is

freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out

tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat

on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser,

breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the

12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not

harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes

him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy

won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his

temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus

ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again

survives the electrocution.

At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his

professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free

again, he asks him his secret --

"What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend.

"I'm just a bad conductor."

There's a man trying to cross the street.

As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner

and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the

car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes

again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just

freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment

and stops next to the man.

The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel.

It says, "Not as easy as it looks is it."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she

asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was

surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in

time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the

dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn

ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming

at the thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet

you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go

wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd

goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and

cheering, basically going ballistic.

The Pope thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her

and says, "That's pretty impressive, but I bet you I can make

every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for

the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, you can't do that."

So the Pope headbutts her.

Some more beauties courtesy of Dean

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she

found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy

her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all

these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from

the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled

the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,

until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment

line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took

him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone

but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair

of shoes that fit you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in

and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms

or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he

can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad

takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of

him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With

all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender

shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of

alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons

chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head

in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son

to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he

reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....

then to the right.... right through the front door, into the

street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy

bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will

give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years

old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.

After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their

separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. He

called over to his wife,

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.

On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The

husband with a concerned look on his face says,

"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?

Come here and let me kiss it better"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have

passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is

returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the

carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor

and says, "Clumsy bitch."

you are pretty and funny I like It.......................

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

A fish swims into a wall and says, "Dam!"

;)