Say something funny. I am bored.
It can even be about liberals.
Have you ever heard the joke about the liberal, the preist and the rabbi who go to the New York City bar for a drink together?
The preist muscles up to the bar and says "hey bartender, I am used to getting my fix on for free with sacramental wine...I don't suppose you have some free sacramental wine for me?"
The bartender responds "sure father, here is a little two buck chuck for you".
The rabbi then muscles up to the bar and says "hey bartender, I am really thirsty, it looks like you may have a problem in your kithchen with your kosher food preparation area!"
The bartender responds "Oh rabbi, I have this excellent california wine for you!"
Then the liberal muscles up to the bar and says "Hey bartender, I don't have a job so I have no money, but I would really like some free wine like the preist and rabbi got, would you please give me some free wine?"
The bartender responds and says "Sure, let's break out the best French wine we have for everyone in the bar, no American had to work or lift a finger to make it so it is perfect to give away to anyone and everyone who wants it! Please enjoy it until you drink the bar out of business!"
The moral of the story being "It's ok to give entitlements in moderation, but if you give to excess, you will bankrupt the economy"
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
one day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
The Bible is in fact 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
They say shitting is the call of nature. Does that mean farting is a missed call?
You know you are drunk when you swerve to miss a tree then realize it is the air freshener hanging from your mirror.
Being happy doesn't mean everything is good. It just means the drugs are working.
Halloween is by far the safest day to kill someone and leave them in a chair on your porch.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
What do you get when you combine Helium, Yttrium, Selenium, and Xenon?
The Bible says that gays aren't natural...But a snake that can talk is?
There are two blondes. One"s a cop and ones driving a car.
The blonde cop stops the blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can"t find her license. "I must have left it at home, officer."
"Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?" asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, "I do have this picture of me."
"Let me see it," says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, "Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn"t have stopped you."
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Got this on from another forum:
Three sofisticated high tech theives are returning to their hideout in their own private jet after a hard days "work".
A few hours into the flight their pilot comes on over the jets intercom. "hey guys, we seem to be carring a bit too much weight, dump some of the cargo or we will be out of fuel soon" The first theif looks at the other two and says, dont worry guys i got this. he goes to the hatch, opens it, and proceeds to drop various expensive and rare fossils stolen earlier that day.
shortly after the pilot comes on the inter come again, "hey guys, that helped a little bit but we still need to lose sme more weight." this time the second thief goes to the hatch, and throws out a large breif case full of fake printed money.
again the pilot comes on the intercome and says " were almost good guys, we just need to shed a little more weight" now the third thife goes to the hatch and throws out a bomb.
soon after they land at thier airport and begin the small walk back to their hide out. soon they see a man crying and holding his head as if he has been hurt, and they ask him. "what happened to you?" the man replies "god hates me! he threw stones at me from the sky!"
continuing on their way they soon run into another man, this one smileing, grinning and happy as can be. "what happened to you?" they ask him, and the man replies. " god loves me! he just threw a million dollars at me from the sky!"
just before they reach their hideout they run into a third man. this time the man is laughing histerically, seemingly without control. "what happened to you?" they ask, and the man replies erupting with laughter "I DONT KNOW! BUT I FARTED AND THE HOUSE BEHIDE ME BLEW UP!"
Lately, I haven't had much luck with women. After a short dry spell I got tired of flying solo and decide to get a hooker. I went to a spot where the girls hang out and found the best of the lot. I attempted to negotiate the deal when she informed me, she was a police officer. She told me to beat it. Lately, I haven't had much luck with women.