During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".

3 Kids Fishin'

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below..

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'

Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.'

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (Hell yea on that one! ! ! !)

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

3 guys not including a pilot were on a plane. There was a plumber, a plumer, and a Marine

The pilot announced that the planes was getting to heavy. The plumber threw down a wrench. The plumer threw down a plum. The marine threw down a bomb.

When they got off the plane, the plumber saw a boy crying, he asked, "Why are you crying."

The boy replied, "My dad got hit by a wrench."

The plumer saw a boy crying. He asked and they boy replied, "my dad got hit by a plum.

When the Marine got off, he saw a boy laughing. He asked why.

The boy replied, " when my mom farted the house went KABOOM!!!

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by buhbuhbuhbuhbatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe gaaaahdaaaam ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

dear osama,

you should of worn stripes

sincerely waldo

two eskimos were out on the tundra when they came upon a strange pile of something that looked suspiciously like shit so the head eskimo says "hey that look like shit to you?" the other replies "yep that look like shit to me." the head says"touch it" so the other touches it and says "yep feels like shit" "taste it" replies the head so the other eskimo tastes it says "ugh taste like shit.. its a good thing we didnt step in it"

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just wait for it to evolve into a new one.

LOLOLOL.

. HILARIOUS. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXtVzj9y-bo&feature;=related Dane Cook - The Atheist.

A Texan, a Muslims, and the Pope were stranded in the desert. While walking through the sand the Pope finds a lamp. He rubs it and out pops a Genie. The Genie grants the Pope three wishes. The Pope says he only needs one thing and that the Texan and Muslim can have his other two wishes.

The Pope ask that world hunger be end, it was so.

The Muslim goes next and ask that his wish be for a wall a thousand feet high be constructed around all Muslim nations to keep others out. It was granted and the wall installed.

The Texan thought for a minute and said my only wish is to fill that wall with water.

An 85 year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face 3 times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No" she answered, " I thought he was dead"

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,

can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Fck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "

Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."

"fck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the

biggest pnis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a pnis enlarger.

Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

Who in the hell is Harry ?

Well Harry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Harry replies

"I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Harry is in the Hospital, room 233.

http://www.createdebate.com/debate/show/Jokes_Anyone_Funny_and_Clean_If_You_Can

http://www.createdebate.com/debate/show/You_might_be_a_terrorist_jokes

http://www.createdebate.com/debate/show/the_best_jokes_you_have_ever_herd

http://www.createdebate.com/debate/show/Blonde_jokes

http://www.createdebate.com/debate/show/Tiger_Woods_Jokes

http://www.createdebate.com/debate/show/Obama_jokes

http://www.createdebate.com/debate/show/ A_list_of_things_to_ponder

What troop does Donald Trump hate the most. Hog rider because it jumps over a wall

There is a blond getting ready to go on vacation and decides before she does, that a change of hair color would be nice. She is fed up with the dumb blond jokes and doesn't want her vacation ruined by others looking down on her. She decides a brunette would make her look smarter and so she dyes her hair to this color.

She takes a plane, rents a car, and everything goes good. While driving in the country-side, she is stopped by a flock of sheep crossing the road. A few minutes goes by a man walks up to her car and says to her, "It won't be much longer and you will be on way again." While visiting with the man, she mentions how much she would like to have one.

The man says, "If you can guess how many sheep I have, I'll give you one. She thinks for a minute and says,"1239". The man is shocked, she guessed right. The man says to her, "You can have anyone you want." Again she thinks for a few minutes and picks one. The man looks at her and says, "If I can guess what color your hair naturally is, can I have my dog back."