(from Achmed, the dead terrorist)

I saw 2 Jews walking down the street and threw a penny in between them to watch them fight to the death!

I did the same thing with 2 Catholic Priests, except instead I threw a little boy in between them; the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!

this one is pretty good too. [;

haha i love this joke.

this 70 year old man wanted his wife killed so he hired a hit man and the hit man said i will shoot her 1cm (1/2 an inch) under the left breast and the man yelled no! I DONT WANT HER KNEE CAPED I WANT HER DEAD

One of my all time faves!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, then pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

What is the cause of paedophilia?

Sexy kids.

It's wrong, but it makes me laugh. I actually heard it on the BBC believe it or not.

What do you get when you mix a black person and a vietnamese person??

vinegar!!!!!

apparently, the best joke ever is:

A woman gets on a bus holding her baby, as she steps on board the drivers exclaims "OH MY GOD! YOUR BABY IS HIDEOUS! SIT AT THE BACK WHERE I DO NOT HAVE TO SEE IT!!"

The woman is slightly offended by the outburst, but continues to sit down anyway, at the back, as the driver ordered, as she sits down the man next to her says "Hey, I saw the driver shouting then at you then, you should complain.. I'll hold your monkey!"

I cant remember why it is the funniest ever.. I always thought humour was personal!

3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench

a guy in a trench coat comes along and flashes them

the first old lady has a stroke right away

the second old lady looks for a while then she has a stroke

the 3rd old lady being older and more feeble couldn't reach that far...

So a man walks into his doctors office and tells his doctor that he has a problem with pre ejaculation. So the doctor simply tells him that all he needs to do is startle himself right when he thinks it is about to happen.

The man then proceeds to go to Sports Authority and buys a starter gun. He goes home to find his wife already laying in bed naked! So they start up and they end up in the 69 position. The man feels himself getting ready to ejaculate so he pulls out his starter gun and fires it 3 times.

The man goes to his doctor again and says " Doc it did not work as I planned my wife took a shit on my face bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came running out the closet naked with his hands up.

while looking up clean jokes this one came up:

what's brown and sticky

... a stick