As my father always said, "Shiny clean boots and a spanking short

haircut and you can cope with anything." He said that just before that

rather unfortunate suicide business.

LISTER: Rimmer, what have you done to your hair?

RIMMER: Holly did it.

LISTER: Why?

RIMMER: Because I ordered him to.

LISTER: It looks ridiculous.

RIMMER: It may look ridiculous to you, Lister, but I like it like this.

It makes me feel like a man.

LISTER: Yeah, and you'll probably get one, looking like that.

RIMMER: There's nothing wrong with short hair, Lister. It gives a man a

sense of dignity, a sense of discipline.

LISTER: Rimmer, have you seen it?

RIMMER: I don't need to see it. I didn't get this haircut to look good.

This is a haircut designed for action, not poncing around in. It may

be a bit severe, a bit too green beret, but you are how you look, and I

look (finally seeing himself in the mirror) like a complete and total

tit! Holly! Holly!

HOLLY: (A still picture of HOLLY comes up on the monitor) This is a

recording. I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment. If you'd like to

leave a message after the bleep, he'll get back to you. Bleep.

RIMMER: Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer. Arnold Rimmer.

The poor goit you made look like Helen Shapiro. I'll see you toast on

the fires of hell for this.

TOASTER: Did someone say they wanted toast?

Who allowed this man, this pathetic man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yogurt! This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer. THAT is his crime, It is also his punishment.

Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-CG6gCrPYM

It can't have gone unnoticed that morale is at an all-time low. We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf and supplies are low. So I have decided to appoint myself morale officer and set myself the task of raising morale all round. Now I thought it would productive if we all met once a week and had a coffee or a beer — whatever's your poison — and get any troubles we may have off our chests. Any objections? Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick? Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerbil-faced optimism. And as for the Cat — what an unbelievable git. And Kryten — if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish. Well, that's cleared the air. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better. Thank for your contributions gentlemen. See you at next week's morale meeting. Marvellous.

Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer."

Rimmmer: I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.

Cat: The lottery what?

Rimmer: Ahhh, I knew I could rely on you. What caused this accident?

Cat: What accident?

Rimmer: It's a question, alright? Are you ready? It's 1971, a man-

Cat: Was he Swedish?

Rimmer: ...Yes?

Cat: A moose

Rimmer: Lister, we have health and safety protocols for a reason: to safeguard the crew.

Lister: What crew? The original crew? They all got wiped out remember?

Rimmer: Exactly.

Lister: By you.

Rimmer: ...Exactly!

Lister: When you didn't fix that drive plate properly, and that radiation leak fried them to a crisp.

Rimmer: ......Exactly!

Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign.

Rimmer:I don't know who you are,but boarding this vessel is an act of war,ergo we surrender!And as prisoners of war,I invoke the All Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.

Kryten:39436175880932/B?All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space?Is that entirely relevant,sir?I mean,here we are in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.

Why are you all looking at me like that? Like this is MY fault? Do you have any idea what kind of day I've had? I've been kidnapped, stripped, oiled, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained, taunted, humiliated and I very nearly had a round, knobbly thing the size and shape of a Mexican agarve cactus jammed up where only Customs men dare to probe.