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'Thus, changes have been made in different factions of society, ranging from job opportunites to promotions because the gender revolution would be harder to contain or resolve if it is not mitigated swiftly.' - please check how you should use the word 'mitigate' - only applies to lessening impact of negative things. Therefore, not the correct word to use here!
'it is prevalent in Singapore's society' - what exactly does 'it' refer to here? You need to write more precisely.
'have children at a later stage after their marriage. As such, women get to enter the world of work and develop in this area.' - no flow in logical connection
'One of the main causes for this is the lack of understanding between married couples which eventually leads to failed relationships.' - don't you need to SHOW how this lack of understanding is directly related to lack of understanding between men & women? - need to do this before talking about consequences
'to participate in the shrinking workforce.' - what does this mean?
Should elaborate - develop HOW technological progress frees women to work - in factories, press button/push lever. At office, use computers, fax machines etc which do not need brute strength. Giving PRECISE examples is better than general points.
The precise point by author about changes in management is a shift from confrontational style to cooperative style. Not really addressed in your answer.
'and also agree that this would spur more movements towards the manifestation of what Chan believes is the gender revolution.' - What does 'this' refer to? Unclear.
'people tend to not credit the phenomenon to these changes' - what phenomenon?
'unwilling to admit that it is a reality' - what does 'it' refer to?
Can write more precisely and clearly to bring across your argument fully.
I am probably a good person but I haven't taken the time to fill out my profile, so you'll never know!