A few from Groucho Marx:

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I'm too lazy to type them out so....

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/w_c_fields.html

;)

George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

"Silence...I keeeeel you!"

"Infidel......Infidels!"

"Location, location, location."

-Jeff Dunham

"I've always wondered why they trace the body at a crime scene. Its like 'Since his arm is twisted this way, and his leg is turned this way, then it must have been Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a candlestick.'"

-Chris Rock

"I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice chiante."

Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs, 1991.

"Remember that shit I gave you last week nigga? It's nothing nigga, it's nothin', it's nothing nigga, nigga it's nothing. This shit right here, nigga! This shit right here nigga, right here this shit nigga! This shit right here nigga!....This shit called deaf nigga!"

"That don't even sound attractive, you mean Ima hit it and die nigga?"

"Naw nigga, not death nigga, nigga DEAF! You hit this shit twice, you can't hear nothin'."

~Katt Williams~

That right there had me crying laughing when he said it.